MNF may turn
to Carrot Top next

Madden�s failure to draw fans
calls for desperate measures

Q: WITH PATRICK EWING retiring, will the Knicks retire his number?

A: Yes, and similar tributes are pouring in for the great hoops warrior. Management of the Gold Club in Atlanta has announced that no patron will ever wear Ewing�s lap dancer.



Q: I hear TV ratings for Monday Night Football are down. Dennis Miller bombed, now John Madden can�t draw viewers? What will ABC do?

A: You read it here first: Madden out; Carrot Top in. If that doesn�t work, they�ll go to the Czar of the Telestrator, Donald Rumsfeld.



Q: Is Hootie Johnson still holding firm against allowing females to join Augusta National?

A: Hootie is starting to think compromise. He has offered to sponsor several woman golfers for membership in the Costco across the street from Augusta National.



Q: Warren Sapp was fined $5,000 after one game for excessive violence, then $10,000 after the next game for the same thing. Will the fines work as a deterrent to further Sapp violence?

A: The NFL got Warren�s attention, big-time. He realizes that at this rate he�ll have to clean up his act by 2013 or go broke.



Q: Four Yankees � Jason Giambi, Shane Spencer, David Wells and Rondell White � ran up a tab of $1,900 in a New York restaurant one night. Why was the bill so high?

A: The tab was only about $200, then the four Yankees told their waiter, �Bring us what the Mets usually have for dessert.�

By the way, the boys left an $800 tip, so the final split was $650 per guy. Which means that baseball players apparently are surviving in spite of the harsh terms of the recent labor settlement.



Q: Are major league ballplayers doing anything to get ready for the random testing for performance-enhancing drugs?

A: Many players are hiring stunt doubles.



Q: So Mike Tyson is going to fight Clifford Etienne, but where?

A: They�re looking for a site. Can you clean out your garage in the next couple of weeks?



Q: Who is Clifford Etienne?

A: I believe he is Tyson�s accountant.



Q: The big thing on TV these days is the behind-the-scenes sports show, and an ESPN exec says, �We would absolutely be interested in exploring Tyson�s world.� How would they explore Tyson�s world?

A: Turn left at Mars.



Q: Was Bobby Knight�s surgery to remove an intestinal block successful?

A: Very. The blockage turned out to be his heart, which was in the wrong place. Surgeons also removed Knight�s foot from his mouth.



Q: If the U.S. women�s basketball team played the U.S. men�s team, how much would the women win by?

A: Probably by about 20 points. But the men would have way more cool dunks.



Q: Was the NFL office serious when it threatened to fine Peyton Manning if he honored Johnny Unitas by wearing high-top black football cleats?

A: This is how silly the NFL got about that Unitas-tribute stuff: Commissioner Paul Tagliabue fined Kurt Warner�s wife $5,000 for wearing a Johnny Unitas crew cut.



Q: If Jose Hernandez of the Brewers breaks Bobby Bonds� one-season record for strikeouts (189), will Bonds be in the stands to salute Hernandez for his feat?

A: Bobby was going to be there, but he missed his flight. However, when the new record is set, the game will be stopped for a brief ceremony as Brewers� officials present Hernandez with a Lucite baseball display case � empty.



Q: David Wells got into a fight with a fan after the fan insulted Wells� deceased mom. Then Orlando Hernandez punched Jorge Posada when Posada made a comment about El Duque�s mom. What�s the deal?

A: In New York, every day is Mother�s Day.



Q: So Raiders defensive end Darrell Russell, charged with a crime in connection with taking video footage of an alleged rape, was cleared of charges?

A: Old word on Russell: Meanie. New word: Fellini.



Q: Our American men suck at basketball. Are there any sports in which the USA is still best in the world?

A: Sure! Here�s a partial list: Dog Frisbee, video games, NBA mascot dunking, syncronized lap dancing, rodeo, midget wrestling, football-fan brawling, paper-scissors-rock, prison handball, touchdown dancing, and nude skydiving.



Q: Shaq O�Neal went along as an observor on a sheriff�s drug bust in Louisiana, and one suspect said O�Neal shoved his (the suspect�s) head into a toilet. After an investigation, Shaq was cleared of wrongdoing. What�s the deal?

A: The investigators bought Shaq�s version � that the guy flopped.