MNF may turn
to Carrot Top next

Madden�s failure to draw fans
calls for desperate measures

Q: WITH PATRICK EWING retiring, will the Knicks retire his number?

A: Yes, and similar tributes are pouring in for the great hoops warrior. Management of the Gold Club in Atlanta has announced that no patron will ever wear Ewing�s lap dancer.



Q: I hear TV ratings for Monday Night Football are down. Dennis Miller bombed, now John Madden can�t draw viewers? What will ABC do?

A: You read it here first: Madden out; Carrot Top in. If that doesn�t work, they�ll go to the Czar of the Telestrator, Donald Rumsfeld.



Q: Is Hootie Johnson still holding firm against allowing females to join Augusta National?

A: Hootie is starting to think compromise. He has offered to sponsor several woman golfers for membership in the Costco across the street from Augusta National.



Q: Warren Sapp was fined $5,000 after one game for excessive violence, then $10,000 after the next game for the same thing. Will the fines work as a deterrent to further Sapp violence?

A: The NFL got Warren�s attention, big-time. He realizes that at this rate he�ll have to clean up his act by 2013 or go broke.



Q: Four Yankees � Jason Giambi, Shane Spencer, David Wells and Rondell White � ran up a tab of $1,900 in a New York restaurant one night. Why was the bill so high?

A: The tab was only about $200, then the four Yankees told their waiter, �Bring us what the Mets usually have for dessert.�

By the way, the boys left an $800 tip, so the final split was $650 per guy. Which means that baseball players apparently are surviving in spite of the harsh terms of the recent labor settlement.



Q: Are major league ballplayers doing anything to get ready for the random testing for performance-enhancing drugs?

A: Many players are hiring stunt doubles.



Q: So Mike Tyson is going to fight Clifford Etienne, but where?

A: They�re looking for a site. Can you clean out your garage in the next couple of weeks?



Q: Who is Clifford Etienne?

A: I believe he is Tyson�s accountant.



Q: The big thing on TV these days is the behind-the-scenes sports show, and an ESPN exec says, �We would absolutely be interested in exploring Tyson�s world.� How would they explore Tyson�s world?

A: Turn left at Mars.



Q: Was Bobby Knight�s surgery to remove an intestinal block successful?

A: Very. The blockage turned out to be his heart, which was in the wrong place. Surgeons also removed Knight�s foot from his mouth.



Q: If the U.S. women�s basketball team played the U.S. men�s team, how much would the women win by?

A: Probably by about 20 points. But the men would have way more cool dunks.



Q: Was the NFL office serious when it threatened to fine Peyton Manning if he honored Johnny Unitas by wearing high-top black football cleats?

A: This is how silly the NFL got about that Unitas-tribute stuff: Commissioner Paul Tagliabue fined Kurt Warner�s wife $5,000 for wearing a Johnny Unitas crew cut.



Q: If Jose Hernandez of the Brewers breaks Bobby Bonds� one-season record for strikeouts (189), will Bonds be in the stands to salute Hernandez for his feat?

A: Bobby was going to be there, but he missed his flight. However, when the new record is set, the game will be stopped for a brief ceremony as Brewers� officials present Hernandez with a Lucite baseball display case � empty.



Q: David Wells got into a fight with a fan after the fan insulted Wells� deceased mom. Then Orlando Hernandez punched Jorge Posada when Posada made a comment about El Duque�s mom. What�s the deal?

A: In New York, every day is Mother�s Day.



Q: So Raiders defensive end Darrell Russell, charged with a crime in connection with taking video footage of an alleged rape, was cleared of charges?

A: Old word on Russell: Meanie. New word: Fellini.



Q: Our American men suck at basketball. Are there any sports in which the USA is still best in the world?

A: Sure! Here�s a partial list: Dog Frisbee, video games, NBA mascot dunking, syncronized lap dancing, rodeo, midget wrestling, football-fan brawling, paper-scissors-rock, prison handball, touchdown dancing, and nude skydiving.



Q: Shaq O�Neal went along as an observor on a sheriff�s drug bust in Louisiana, and one suspect said O�Neal shoved his (the suspect�s) head into a toilet. After an investigation, Shaq was cleared of wrongdoing. What�s the deal?

A: The investigators bought Shaq�s version � that the guy flopped.

Spike Lee is the DEVIL!
American Taliban John Walker Lindh has a new excuse for his traitorous behavior - he says Spike Lee made him do it!

SPIKE LEE SENT LINDH OVER EDGE

Date set for $200 Xbox game

By David Becker
Staff Writer, CNET News.com
September 20, 2002, 10:39 AM PT


Game publisher Capcom announced a planned November release for "Steel Batallion," a tank combat game for Microsoft's Xbox console that will be packaged with a custom 40-button game controller and will sell for $200, the same cost as an Xbox. Most Xbox games sell for $50.

cnet.com story

This is probably why I like Computer Games so much more than consol game! I mean who can blame me? I've already got a controller with a zillion buttons on its... its called a keyboard! :P

How nice!

EDITORS NOTE OBSCENE CONTENT A young Muslim man, who refused to give his name, shows his feelings toward the media outside the Federal Court House in Buffalo, New York September 18, 2002 where he sat to show his support for the six local suspected al-Qaida supporters who appeared inside the court, September 18, 2002. The six men have been charged with providing material support to al Queda from nearby Lackwanna, New York. REUTERS/Mark Dye

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